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I was 14 or 15 when I first read Franz Kafka’s story “The Hunger Artist.” I was taking Freshman Comp 101 at the local community college, as part of my dual enrollment program. Have you ever read it? I highly recommend it. Enough that I am providing you with a link: read the full text of “The Hunger Artist” online.

Have you read it now? Because there will be spoilers ahead. Also, this might prove triggering to some people. I generally try to avoid things like this, but I need to say this.

Have you ever watched the strings inside a piano when someone strikes a note very forcefully? The string vibrates and you hear the note, and the string keeps vibrating. The other strings around it vibrate just a little bit, in sympathy. If you watch until the string stops vibrating, you’ll be there for longer than you expect.

That’s what happened to me when I first read this story, about a man in a cage. I knew what it was like, I KNEW it. To have never found the food he liked and thus to go without eating…. There’s a really pretty logic there. And it expressed, more clearly than I had ever been able to, how I felt about food.

Let me be more clear. It expressed how I felt – and still do feel – about Food.

Now, there are individual foods that I can enjoy eating when they are sitting in front of me. It isn’t that I am incapable of deriving some pleasure or even occasional comfort from food. It’s that I hate Food.

I hate Food.

Say that with all the vitriol you can imagine and that is how I feel about it. The whole concept of it makes me angry at my own body. I have said that I resent that we need to eat. It’s not a small resentment. It’s a huge, burning chunk of anger that I carry around (maybe in my stomach?) and that informs every opinion I have about the things I put in my mouth.

I hate our dependence on it. I know we need nutrients. I get that. But if there were a pill you could take that supplied all the nutrients and whatnot you need in a day, I would take it gladly and never eat again. Because the pleasure I derive from individual foodstuffs is NOTHING in the face of the relief I would feel at never having to deal with it again. If there were an internal combustion engine that I could install that ran on something other than food, I would be the world’s first cyborg. If there were a way to take chlorophyll caplets and make my own energy from the sun, I would be thrilled to have green skin and hair.

Do you begin to understand how I feel about Food?

All this came up because someone, to my eyes, implied that since processed organic foods are so expensive, I should just buy organic raw ingredients! Because it’s just that simple! Eating organic is easy and cheap if you buy the right things!

Except, when it comes down to it, if I have to make my own damn graham crackers, I’m just not going to eat. And that’s a problem because I’m trying my damnedest not to fall back into old habits of disordered eating.

People, I passed out at a evening event in a local theme park once because I hadn’t eaten anything more than a little snack bag of Cheetos for three days. Yeah, it was real fun being wheeled out of the park, let me tell you. That’s when I really started to take the idea that I might have a problem seriously. I was a student, I kept weird hours, and a friend at the time was making a big effort to get me to eat once a day. Maybe I should have taken his efforts as a sign, eh?

So, now I make myself eat. To make myself eat, things have to be simple. If it takes too much effort, I can’t seem to make myself do it, even though I know I should. If it takes too much effort, I just can’t handle it, process it, deal with it, whatever. I throw up my hands and wind up not eating.

I eat out a lot. I keep a lot of quick and easy processed foods in the house, when I have food in the house. I’m a lot better now that my boyfriend is living with me because he’ll actually take the time to cook something, whereas I will just go to bed without eating after a certain point.

Food is this totally unfair biological imperative. It’s bad enough that we HAVE to have it. But it’s also this emotionally loaded fetish object for our culture. How many calories does that have? How many grams of fat? How many points on the Weight Watchers system? How many steps will I have to walk to work it off of my hips and thighs? How many dirty looks am I going to get from the people watching me eat? How many lectures am I going to get?

Why would I want to put all of that baggage into my body?

It feels cleaner and simpler to just not eat. Then you don’t have to deal with any of that, any of the bullshit that goes along with Food.

Now, you don’t have to worry about me. I KNOW not eating is bad. I make a conscious and concerted effort, especially these days, to eat on a mostly regular basis. I try to avoid the foods to which I am allergic (some days more successfully than other days) and I try to eat meals that are balanced and healthful (some days more successfully than other days). But my actions don’t change how I feel about Food.

The hunger artist died and he died knowing that he had been admired for what was really a sham. He wasn’t doing any great and difficult thing. And, in the end, people were riveted by life rather than his long, slow, self-inflicted death. I don’t want to be the hunger artist. I want to be, even in its cage, the panther with the joy of life all in its throat.

And so I’m going to go out for dinner with my boyfriend. We’re going to eat sushi. And I’m going to try, for another meal, to concentrate on why eating is a good thing that I need to do more of and more appreciation so that maybe someday I can fix this disconnect I have with food. So that maybe one day, I can say, “Yes, you are absolutely right! It is easy and economical to eat organic when you make everything yourself!” I want to take pleasure in preparing a meal. I want to enjoy doing what is good for me. I want to not hate Food.

So, maybe when you’re talking to people, you could try to remember that your experience of Food is not universal. When you’re examining someone’s eating habits and judging them negatively because they aren’t eating in a way you consider healthy, try to remember that health encompasses a lot more than the body alone and that you don’t know the whole story. Try to remember the hunger artist, alone in his cage.

Into the cage they put a young panther. Even the most insensitive felt it refreshing to see this wild creature leaping around the cage that had so long been dreary. The panther was all right. The food he liked was brought to him without hesitation by the attendants; he seemed not even to miss his freedom; his noble body, furnished almost to the bursting point with all that it needed, seemed to carry freedom around with it too; somewhere in his jaws it seemed to lurk; and the joy of life streamed with such ardent passion from his throat that for the onlookers it was not easy to stand the shock of it. But they braced themselves, crowded around the cage, and did not ever want to move away.

(Excerpt taken from Franz Kafka’s “The Hunger Artist,” available online at The Kafka Project www.kafka.org)

11 Comments